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Mum, Mummy, Mother.

Judging by the title, this post is going to be dedicated to my mother, someone who up until recently became someone I truly cherished.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never actually hated her. Just your typical mother daughter arguments which we’ve had in the past which made me hate her and the world, but that’s just typical right? Back then, I thought my mum was  my mortal enemy, out to get me and keeping me away from all the fun but in actual fact, she was doing what mothers are supposed to do. To provide love, protection and reasoning.

They say when you give birth to your first child, your whole world changes. Everything. The birth of my first sibling changed her. She became a mother, but it wasn’t to last. I can’t even begin to imagine how heart breaking it was for my mum to lose her first child. You look forward to everything that gets thrown at you when you’re a mother but it wasn’t fair. No one predicted death to come along. In a way, I was glad I wasn’t there to witness the state of my mum at the time because if I were to witness it, I don’t think I would be able to handle it.

Around the time I was 14, me an my mum clashed a lot and as I said earlier, I thought she was out to get me. But it was just natural. My 18th birthday made me realise just how much my mum loved me. Even though this sparked an emotional response, it wasn’t about the gift but more of the thought that went in it. Since I was 13, I was harping to my parents about wanting a gold necklace with my name on it. My mum always said that it was expensive (indian gold) to which I understood so I wasn’t at all disappointed when I didn’t end up getting it as a present on my 14th birthday. I didn’t really ask for anything the next few years, I did mention the necklace but I knew it was something that I will definitely wait for especially since 4 years later, we were currently having a bit of trouble financially. My dad sold his business because of the recession and was and is still looking to open another so we were being really careful with money. My 18th birthday was approaching and in all honesty, I just wanted the Hunger Games DVD and a few bits and bobs, that’s it.

After a great day out with my friends, we went back round to my house only to be surprised by my family who threw me a surprise party. All I remember when I entered was party poppers being blown up in front of my face and balloons everywhere. A couple of photos later, it was gift giving time. And I think the first present was in fact, the gold necklace with my name on it. Something I once craved for and completely forgot about 4 years later. I mean, I was delighted to receive it.

“Oh my gosh I’m gonna cry,”

That was the first thing I said when I saw it. Usually when I say that, I don’t cry. At all. I’ve actually never cried tears of happiness ever, in my life. But that all changed on my birthday. The minute I said those words, I cried. First time in my life I cried in front of my friends. First time in my life I cried in front of my whole family. And it was the first time in my life because I was so happy. Sure, I the gift was awesome but it was the fact that she remembered. And the fact that during the times where we were being so careful with money, she splurged out on my gift and got be the necklace. It was then, and during a phone conversation which I overheard my mum talking to my aunt saying that she would go to the ends of the earth to give me and my siblings what I wanted.

My mum would do anything for her children, anything. I cried out of happiness and I cried because of guilt too. But it made me realise just how much my mum loved me, how much she would do for me, and how much she far she would go to support my dreams. Not just for me but for my mother siblings too. My mum would be willing to spend however much amount of money or time to make sure my younger brother gets the therapy or help he deserves. In actual fact, my mum fought to have my brother considering he was over a week late. My mum, so strong and so courageous.

Looking back, I feel so guilty for even thinking my mum never loved me, basing on my younger self tantrums. My mum’s loss made her stronger and more determined to protect her children and to support them. If I could go back in time, I wish I could tell her that I loved her more often but I can’t. I can’t change the past but the only think I can do is tell her that I love her everyday from now on, and do little things to show that I do appreciate her.

I know my mum depends on me a lot now. For advice on what to do as well as emotional support when it comes to my brother. When I look back to the day when the doctor told my mother and me that my brother had Autism, I remember her just breaking down, crying and me wanting to cry but didn’t. I had to be strong. And I’m going to continue to be strong. Not just for her, but for my whole family. I want to make sure that there is always hope, and make sure her hope doesn’t get diminished.

You never truly realise just how much you love you’re mum until she’s placed in a dangerous situation. I still remember the swine flu epidemic back in 2009 and how my mum just fell really ill. I remember coming home from school and her temperature was so high, that  if it was still staying at that high, she would have to go to hospital. I still remember seeing her in my parents room, with a wet towel on her head and her telling me this. And just like that, I broke down into tears, drops falling down on her and my mum telling me not to cry and everything would be fine. It was the first time in my life where I cried for my mum. I so upset, I thought I would lose her there and then but thank goodness I didn’t. And this was just swine flu. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I would be if it was something much worse.

As I take these few baby steps into adult hood, I begin to realise just how precious mothers are. Without them, there would be no life. Without them, there would be no love. No one to care for us. And no one to tell us that we look beautiful even though we feel completely crap about ourselves and about our weight. But that’s just me.

I love my mum with all my heart. And I only pray and hope that I can be a mother like her to my own kids in the future. If I can be as half as good as she is, then I’ll be happy.

Happy Mother’s Day x

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Another through the eyes of my own.

Long title, but I felt some what enlightened  wordy today.

On Thursday, I finished my volunteering placement and honestly, it was really great. I’ve met a lot of people, and I’ve come across a lot of children, many of whom have disabilities and whom have made a lasting impression on me. There were these two twin girls and both came in with their mum on all three days. During the first two days I noticed signs of flapping, and no eye contact and one of the twin even  mumbling a word or a phrase over and over again. My mind instantly flashed ‘Autism’ but I didn’t want to make judgements nor jump to conclusions but as I was interacting with other children whilst they were near, it was apparent that they were- and I am not saying this in a total judgemental way like everyone who does this have autism but because I kind of compared their behaviour to my brothers.

During the second day, I was in a room with one of the twins who stumbled across an ‘In the Night Garden’ jigsaw and she sat down, completing it whilst uttering ‘Makka Pakka’ and ‘Upsy Daisy’ (both characters from the show). Her mum then came into the room, looking for her and she was really nice, it was the first time I saw her. She quickly told me that both her daughters had autism and their latest obsession was In the Night Garden and I couldn’t stop smiling throughout. I haven’t come across another child or anyone for that matter who also had autism. What made me smile even more was the fact that they were both the same age as my brother. Their mum even told me that they’ve begun to mumble the names of the character even though she’s been trying to get them to say mummy or daddy and it’s here were we both cracked up in laughter.

It’s amazing because looking at both of the twins, their behaviour is really really similar to that of my brothers however, they’re very different too, with speech being the main concern. They were able to mimic whilst my brother can’t. They would play with toys that don’t exert sound, my brother only plays with toys which make sounds. I couldn’t stop smiling throughout the day for some reason. Throughout the day, I tried to make attempts to see whether they would respond to me but they didn’t which I was completely fine with. However, something happened on the last day of my placement.

On Thursday, I was instructed by one of the play leaders to supervise a station which had this big inflatable slide which you had to climb and then slide down to. It also had these big plastic wobbly bits to run through and a ball pit to jump in and get out of, kind if like an obstacle course. Diverting a bit, I was so scared to climb on top, I didn’t so big floaty slides but I thought ‘what the heck?’. It took me THREE attempts to get to the top, whilst it only took the kids one try. I had to sit at the top and see that the children got down the slide slowly. So there I was, doing my thing whilst interacting with one of the children when suddenly, one of the twin comes up.

At first, I say hello and naturally she didn’t even look up, she just slid down. When she came back up again, I thought I’d try something different. I don’t know, I guess I wanted her to respond. With my brother, it was easy because of all the intensive interaction but meeting someone with the same condition and being the same age as my brother, I knew that she wouldn’t respond but I don’t know, I was intrigued I guess. So as she went down, I yelled out ‘WHEEEE’ and as she hit the bottom, she looked at me. She actually looked at me. When she came back again, I did the same thing, and she laughed and looked at me again. The third time around, I yelled it again, she laughed and looked at me but before she slid down, she yelled it too.

And I don’t know, words couldn’t describe how I felt but simply put, it made my day.

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It’s been a month and two days.

Not being specific or anything or highlighting my lack of getting things done.

In all honesty, did not ditch the blog! I was really busy with college and UCAS so I guess college commitments come first before this. So I thought, it’s been too long since I’ve posted in this blog so I’m sure taking a bit of time off of my college commitments won’t hurt 🙂

Other than me being busy with college, we’ve noticed that my brothers been starting to babble a bit more and exploring a wide range of uh.. consonants- kind of. Either way, he’s been verbal and that’s what counts xD He went to have his check up for this year at the center that first diagnosed him. So, when I came back from college, my mum had some good news. They had said that everything from his brain to his toes were perfectly fine. That he had improved. His mental age in a way to put it is now three which is great because it shows that he improved! Also, my mum asked him where he was on the scale- something that no one ever told us.

So the lady explained to my mum that my brother is able to do a lot of things but it’s just that he’ll only do what he wants to do a.k.a stubborn. But I guess it’s not stubborness? He just doesn’t want to do it, but he can do it. Which I guess upon hearing it made my mums day because she’s always noted that he was stubborn for his age, and the fact that he is able to do things gave her hope because he can do it and now she understands that we’ll just have to keep at it so he’ll do it eventually, slowly but surely.

Oh and a few posts ago, probably one of the first few posts, I wrote about one of my brothers medicine which stank like sh-. Well, we finally found a way for him to have it 😀 So my brother likes to drink his mango juice so we decided to mix a little in there. (Its a syrup and we checked with the doctor and it’s perfectly fine!) AND HALLELUJAH HE DRINKS IT C: They’re going to send him to a blood test to check his vitamin levels and all that jazz.

So things are looking a lot more positive c: I’ve learned that he’s going to meet with the speech and language therapist every thursday and I guess I’m really eager about how things go that I keep harping the school to update us about it (I’M SORRY, I CAN’T HELP IT Q~Q) But yeah, he’s going to go through an assessment and then they’re going to do things around that. I’d love to be there when they do it! But I don’t think I’ll be able to D: I recently brought a book about SaLT and how they do their work, and I’m honestly looking for some free time to read it. I just find the job of a speech therapist really awesome and the fact that you get to use your creativity in it too, I mean I have a few ideas ^^ But I hope I can do it. If I put my mind to it, I can.

I think the key thing to anything is to perseveare but DON’T OVER DO IT! Because soon the enjoyment just gets sucked out. *nod head*

Well I’m going to end it here since I have coursework to do and hopefully, I’ll post another blog up soon. Oh, it’s my brothers birthday soon! November the 13th! I’m going to attempt to make a double decker cake 😀 not that he’ll have any but yeah! 😀

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Kids ask the most awkward things.

During the weekend, my family and I visited our cousins in Wales since we haven’t been there in AGES. Note that they are my first cousins (mums side of the family) and my cousins are all married so their kids are like.. my nieces and nephews I guess o.o But yeah, they’re aged between 5-10 and when it came to my brother, boy did they have a lot of questions to ask.

“Why doesn’t he talk?”

“Why isn’t he listening to me?”

“Can he hear me?”

I don’t get asked these questions by people my own age or older because they generally have an idea of what autism is. But when your young and all innocent, you just can’t help but ask the obvious question. Answering simply doesn’t always solve this case because they’ll always ask ‘why’ afterwards. And I have no idea how to respond to those questions that would make sense to them. I am in no way saying that I am ashamed to talk about my brothers autism, but I have no idea how to speak to younger kids about it. How would you explain Autism to young children?

I’ve contemplated many ways to say this such as:

“My brother can hear you, he doesn’t talk because he doesn’t know how to yet but he will later”

But then I think, what if ‘later’ I meet them again and they ask why he doesn’t talk yet. Is it then when I say that ‘He doesn’t like to talk?’ Or do I explain that he has Autism? I feel the need to nail these answers so I’m prepared the next time I get asked. Its hard because you want them to understand but at the end of the day, their just kids and maybe it’s best to just give the most plainest, and the most simple answer.

*sorry for not posting, been busy with A Levels! It will most likely get really hectic from here on but I will try my best to post when I can 🙂

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Cutest thing ever.

My brother was sitting next to me- and he was playing with my hair. I don’t know what fascination he has with it but he loves my hair- he’d even lick it o.o (with the licking thing, the lady said that it was his way of identify things o.o)

Anyway, I had my hair in plaits and then the end hair band came off so my brother got off of the sofa and picked it up, then he gave it to me :’) it was the first time ever I’ve seen him do it and it was the cutest thing ever! I told my mum and she got really happy. Things like this show that he’s just improving everyday, and things like this do make my day. Also, he ate bread dunked in tea today ^^. He never ate bread before but my mum wanted to make him try, so she got him on to her lap and some how made him eat it. I think he found it tasty and so my mum put him back on his chair and ate the whole thing :’)

She tried feeding him cucumbers but he hates that stuff. In actual fact, he hates all solid-hard food. Just pondering on whether theres ways to get around this? Before, when any of us gave him a slice of apple or carrot, he would lick it and he’d know its meant for eating so he’d put it down. Now he won’t even go near the stuff o.o

Any ideas on how to go round this?